Monday, January 14, 2013

January 14

This post is a few weeks in the making.  I wanted to do it Jan. 1 because I truly feel that although I dub last year "The Year of Great Love" because it was all about Vivi, and I will always consider it one of my best years, I know this year is going to be the best year of my life.  Vivi lets us know that too--she is very present to both Rod and I.  Rod sees Blue Jays all the time, and I see flying "V"s when I least expect them.  I know she wants it to be known that she is with us in a way that none of our other children will be.  Our calendar for the first few months is already packed with good things--I am starting a 3 week course to become a Nurse's Aid, Youth ministry is really taking off and Rod and I are beginning classes to become foster parents.

Rod and I got through the holidays easily, thanks to pre-Christmas break-downs.  The week after Christmas we were able to sneak away and remember all the reasons we really love each other.  I am so thankful for such a remarkable husband!  There truly is no one else in the world I could have gone through all this with.

Since I haven't been working since Vivi died, I have had a lot of time to feel.  This perhaps is the greatest gift Rod has given me ever, because it has allowed my heart to finally be open to growth that I have needed for a very long time.  If you haven't already gathered about me, music is a big part of my life and I do believe it is in the top 3 ways God speaks to me.  Lady Antebellum have a song called "I Run to You".  It begins like this:

I run from hate, I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists, but I run too late
I run my life or is it running me, run from my past
  I run too fast or too slow it seems

The past month or so this verse has kept popping into my head without hearing this song.  I wasn't too sure why, but then I had an interesting conversation with my mom and I realized why.

My whole life I have run away from what I don't want, whether it be because my life got hard, became too mundane, I was scared--I jumped from one thing to the next, went place to place to cover up the "negative" I felt to try something new.  With the "newness" came a different kind of chaos, a chaos that was fun and exciting....but eventually got old and the cycle would begin again.

Vivi, broke the cycle.  She became the only person, the only thing I have ever loved above everything else in my life.  For her, I cried.  For her, I felt the pain.  For her, I lived my greatest fear.  For her, I stayed.  And I would stay, and stay and stay.  Vivian, although she touched so many and came for so many people, I do believe, the greatest reason she came to this world, and died, was for me.  The one person who wanted it the least, but needed it  A child's vocation is to get their parents closer to heaven.  Viv...what a show off.  59 days.

So to begin this new year, I am running.  Not away, but for a purpose.  I began training for the Flying Pig Saturday in Vivi's honor.  This is something I have wanted to do for about 8 years, but as I would start training, it would get "hard" and I would quit.  Not this time!  The training is kicking my butt big time, but I know its what my girl wants me to do--again not just for her, but more importantly for me. And she told me.  As I finshed my first run Saturday morning, a flying "V" met me on the way to my car :)