Monday, January 14, 2013

January 14

This post is a few weeks in the making.  I wanted to do it Jan. 1 because I truly feel that although I dub last year "The Year of Great Love" because it was all about Vivi, and I will always consider it one of my best years, I know this year is going to be the best year of my life.  Vivi lets us know that too--she is very present to both Rod and I.  Rod sees Blue Jays all the time, and I see flying "V"s when I least expect them.  I know she wants it to be known that she is with us in a way that none of our other children will be.  Our calendar for the first few months is already packed with good things--I am starting a 3 week course to become a Nurse's Aid, Youth ministry is really taking off and Rod and I are beginning classes to become foster parents.

Rod and I got through the holidays easily, thanks to pre-Christmas break-downs.  The week after Christmas we were able to sneak away and remember all the reasons we really love each other.  I am so thankful for such a remarkable husband!  There truly is no one else in the world I could have gone through all this with.

Since I haven't been working since Vivi died, I have had a lot of time to feel.  This perhaps is the greatest gift Rod has given me ever, because it has allowed my heart to finally be open to growth that I have needed for a very long time.  If you haven't already gathered about me, music is a big part of my life and I do believe it is in the top 3 ways God speaks to me.  Lady Antebellum have a song called "I Run to You".  It begins like this:

I run from hate, I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists, but I run too late
I run my life or is it running me, run from my past
  I run too fast or too slow it seems

The past month or so this verse has kept popping into my head without hearing this song.  I wasn't too sure why, but then I had an interesting conversation with my mom and I realized why.

My whole life I have run away from what I don't want, whether it be because my life got hard, became too mundane, I was scared--I jumped from one thing to the next, went place to place to cover up the "negative" I felt to try something new.  With the "newness" came a different kind of chaos, a chaos that was fun and exciting....but eventually got old and the cycle would begin again.

Vivi, broke the cycle.  She became the only person, the only thing I have ever loved above everything else in my life.  For her, I cried.  For her, I felt the pain.  For her, I lived my greatest fear.  For her, I stayed.  And I would stay, and stay and stay.  Vivian, although she touched so many and came for so many people, I do believe, the greatest reason she came to this world, and died, was for me.  The one person who wanted it the least, but needed it  A child's vocation is to get their parents closer to heaven.  Viv...what a show off.  59 days.

So to begin this new year, I am running.  Not away, but for a purpose.  I began training for the Flying Pig Saturday in Vivi's honor.  This is something I have wanted to do for about 8 years, but as I would start training, it would get "hard" and I would quit.  Not this time!  The training is kicking my butt big time, but I know its what my girl wants me to do--again not just for her, but more importantly for me. And she told me.  As I finshed my first run Saturday morning, a flying "V" met me on the way to my car :)


  1. That's so awesome Maria that you're training for the Pig! Running is truly amazing, it is wonderful for the soul, I love it. Last year Brian and I trained together for the Flying Pig Half and did it, it was such an amazing experience. This year Brian is doing the full Pig, so I'll be there cheering for him, I'll watch for you too!

  2. That is awesome! Enjoy the experience...all of it. From the grueling training of hills and long distances to the reward of crossing the finish line. I've done several full and half Pigs and one was done in memory of my Dad after he passed away suddenly. I prayed to him while training and while running the event. Also put "in memory of my Dad" on the back of my shirt. Crossing the finish line was a very emotional experience.
    I can't wait for you to experience this event with Vivian!!!

  3. Since my daughter died, I have done many things I never thought I would have the courage to do. It is one of the numerous gifts I have received from her - the gift of living a full life of beauty and awe. I'm sure Vivian will continue to inspire you always. How fortunate we are to have had these little ones!

  4. Running is a beautiful & relaxing journey. God bless you & your family. We pray to your daughter often ---- a true guardian angel.

  5. Maria, I read this post as soon as you put it up, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I'm old enough to be your mom, and you inspire me so much little girl!! Your own wonderful mother is so insightful, and of course your precious Vivian has inspired so many. Three generations of blessed women and I am honored to know you. You have the gift of communicating truth and I pray you never stop. Please know you and Rod have our prayers now and in all the days ahead til your amazing reunion with your oldest daughter in heaven!!