Rod and I got through the holidays easily, thanks to pre-Christmas break-downs. The week after Christmas we were able to sneak away and remember all the reasons we really love each other. I am so thankful for such a remarkable husband! There truly is no one else in the world I could have gone through all this with.
Since I haven't been working since Vivi died, I have had a lot of time to feel. This perhaps is the greatest gift Rod has given me ever, because it has allowed my heart to finally be open to growth that I have needed for a very long time. If you haven't already gathered about me, music is a big part of my life and I do believe it is in the top 3 ways God speaks to me. Lady Antebellum have a song called "I Run to You". It begins like this:
I run from hate, I run from prejudice
I run from pessimists, but I run too late
I run my life or is it running me, run from my past
I run too fast or too slow it seems
The past month or so this verse has kept popping into my head without hearing this song. I wasn't too sure why, but then I had an interesting conversation with my mom and I realized why.
My whole life I have run away from what I don't want, whether it be because my life got hard, became too mundane, I was scared--I jumped from one thing to the next, went place to place to cover up the "negative" I felt to try something new. With the "newness" came a different kind of chaos, a chaos that was fun and exciting....but eventually got old and the cycle would begin again.
Vivi, broke the cycle. She became the only person, the only thing I have ever loved above everything else in my life. For her, I cried. For her, I felt the pain. For her, I lived my greatest fear. For her, I stayed. And I would stay, and stay and stay. Vivian, although she touched so many and came for so many people, I do believe, the greatest reason she came to this world, and died, was for me. The one person who wanted it the least, but needed it most...me. A child's vocation is to get their parents closer to heaven. Viv...what a show off. 59 days.
So to begin this new year, I am running. Not away, but for a purpose. I began training for the Flying Pig Saturday in Vivi's honor. This is something I have wanted to do for about 8 years, but as I would start training, it would get "hard" and I would quit. Not this time! The training is kicking my butt big time, but I know its what my girl wants me to do--again not just for her, but more importantly for me. And she told me. As I finshed my first run Saturday morning, a flying "V" met me on the way to my car :)