June 24

Chris you were right--I didn't post our exciting news MONTHS ago...I guess the announcement just made its way through Facebook.  To catch you up to speed:

This was found by our family in Easter Eggs, Easter Saturday.  God wanted to teach my heart a lesson--that there is always new life in embracing the cross.  After living my Calvary in the Church calendar, I had the grace of truly living New Life Easter brings.

Now it's June 24, and this Wednesday, we go to the doctor for our 20 week.  There are many emotions and thoughts that surround this date that I have been counting down to since I saw the "+" sign on the pregnancy test.  The hardest thing through this has been that Vivi is not growing inside me.  She isn't coming back, and that fact that a new life separate of her is being given to us is awesome, weird and bittersweet. 

Rod and my experience of seeing your child for the first time on the TV screen isn't the 'typical' experience--although we had the grace to have joy and love in our hearts despite the anguish of learning about Vivi's heart, our, well my view on this 20 week visit that is the pinnacle of pregnancy (i'm not counting birth) is tainted.  I don't expect to walk into the ultrasound room and see a beautiful healthy child.  I expect to see a beautiful child....but a beautiful, health-challenged child.  I have realized that I have been trying to be so positive, so optimistic, and most everyone buys in. But the truth is that the hardest person to "buy in" is myself, and it is AWFUL!  I hate that every time I have gone to the doctor my blood pressure is high for me, that I expect the worse and with every ache, pain, or weird feeling I wonder, "is this baby going to be ok?"  Surrendering these feelings is more difficult that giving Vivi back to Jesus...and I didn't think ANYTHING could be that hard.

Every child is a joy, a gift, and there is not a doubt in my mind that this child is the same.  I know that  this gift that is growing inside me, is another lesson on my journey.  That regardless of sickness or health, this child is special and has a very different pair of shoes to fill for Christ, and for this world. I am anxious to get a glimpse of what they might look like on Wednesday.  My prayer is upon seeing this child my heart is injected with a new hope--the Hope that comes from depending and surrendering completely on Christ.