Rod and I had the greatest opportunity Monday to meet with our new friend, Jessica, whose son has just recently undergone the third surgery that Viv will also go through a few years down the road. Our time was so wonderful and so insightful to what we will be facing in just a month! (Can you believe it?!?!)
Jessica's son is doing wonderful after the surgeries which brings our hearts so much hope. We are excited to have a friend who will be there to walk with us and encourage us through this journey. We saw pictures of her son after the surgeries, and it was not as scary as I had imagined, but obviously not ideal for any little thing just being welcomed into our world. The one thing I keep replaying in my mind over and over that I never thought of is physically giving here over to the doctors for surgery. I can't think about this without crying--this is the SCARIEST thought I have ever had. The scene as it plays out in my mind leaves my heart in my feet. I have had my moments through this journey with Vivi, but nothing could or can prepare me for this giant leap of faith that I will be taking.
I was driving to my parent's house yesterday thinking about it. I was imagining how I don't have words to describe what this moment will be like in my life besides the worst. But as I thought about it more and more I had this "A-HA!" This moment in my life will be a tangible moment of showing God that I choose to place everything in His hands. As soon as I hand her over to the doctor, I have no control over anything. In my life I have always said 'God's Will be done' and this is where the rubber hits the road. It's my Abraham and Isaac moment--God is asking for the most precious thing in my life, to place her in His hands and surrender with complete faith. The worst moment of my life will be the most monumental as well.
I thought about Mary and Jesus. She said "yes" to her Passion with Christ from the day He was conceived. And as my mother reminded me, 'I am sure it wasn't tearless, Re'. I have a picture of The Sorrowful Mother that my Grandma gave me when I was little. We are talking like 5 years old. I LOVED this picture. I don't know what always drew me to it, but whenever I would go to my grandma's I would run upstairs to my mom's old room and just look at her and then move on with my time with Grandma. I mean, she looks like Nicholas Cage's mother, is green, is crying and has knives stabbing her heart. Why at 5 years old I was like a magnet to this, I couldn't tell you. Not long after I told my Grandma I loved that picture, it was hanging in my room and has been hanging in my room since.
Yesterday I was at our apartment (we've been house-sitting, so it was nice to be in "my space") and I went into our bedroom and she was the first thing I saw. I think for the first time, I knew why I have always loved this picture--because her heart is my heart. My whole life I have been being prepared for the weeks I have lived and the weeks ahead. The tear sliding down her cheek was a true comfort, that I am not living this alone, and that tears are a part of this "mom" territory. That all the pains that tear at my heart although so painful, they are so beautiful. Mary's path to complete Holiness was through being the mother of our Savior. That was not an easy road. Quite the opposite actually. It's not a pain that is about "me". It's a pain that is unpreventable for another. It is a helpless feeling of pain because nothing that she could or would do would allow "this cup to pass" from Him. There is nothing I can do for Vivi but place her completely in the hands of Our Father and let go from the tight grip I want to keep on her.
These next weeks, next months and God permitting, next years, are my path to true Holiness. These moments I am living are the moments I was created for. I am created to Love, to Love with everything in me, to Love the gift I have been given, to Love so intensely and so deeply that I am able to give this gift completely to the One who Loves greatest of all.