Tuesday, July 17, 2012

in the wee small hours of the morning

  It is officially 5:41 am on Tuesday, and I have been awake since 2:40.  Why?  I don't exactly know.  I have never been one to skip out on valueable hours of beauty rest, but it's getting hard to get comfy with what seems like a bowling ball laying through your belly.  I know this post is coming before the post about Vivian's Victory (which was amazing and by the end of today, I will have another post dedicated to that), but I need to hash out all that has been going on in my head and heart today, and with this being my "therapy" it is time, after 3 hours of crafting and crying, to unload.

Monday (the real Monday) I took my mom with me to the doctor for my weekly visit.  Everything is status quo--still on for delivering at 39 weeks.  Wait--if this week is 38, then next is 39!?!?! Where has the time flown?  After a back and forth between my OB and Viv's Cardiologist, we decided that next Thursday, July 26 at 5am I am going in to get the party started!  As excited as I am about welcoming my precious little girl into this world, the reality of what is happening is slapping me in the face.
I am so scared.  Petrafied, in all honesty. to face the stark truth that my reality is nothing I have ever imagined, and nothing that I can prepare for.  My heart has never hurt as much as it has today.  I feel like not only am I carrying another human being that feels like a bowling ball in my belly, but another, my heart, which has been stuck at my feet.  I have been trying so hard through these past months to keep my spirit up, to have faith, and today....well today its not working out so well.

Between the scheduling and the phone calls to family and friends with an update, I have been SCREAMING at God, "Why are you doing this to me?  Why did you choose me?"  A line form Matt Hammitt's song, 'All of Me' keeps playing over and over in my mind "...the fear of all I could loose".  Thats it--we've done all the planning, I've done everything right and I could still loose the most amazing and precious gift I have ever been given.  The thought of that is something I have thought about, I have verbalized, but now that it is so close, it is signing me up for a whole different emotional roller coaster that has hit me blind-sighted.

I can't help but find myself back in Gethsemane. When I was in the Holy Land, Gethsemane was the most powerful experience for me.  I would slide my whole arm through the wrought iron fence around the rock where Christ laid and sob.  Sob for all the things I have done to hurt Christ, in compassion for all the pain and anguish He went through as He asked His Father to 'allow this Cup to pass' from Him, and I realized this morning, for this moment I am in.  I sit here and beg God to pass this cup from me.  I sob to Him to take this away from me.  But He hasn't, and that doesn't mean He doesn't love me, or that He wants me to feel all the pain and fear I have inside right now.  It's because He loves me that He has extended this invitation to grow in faith and love of Him.  That doesn't make my heart hurt any less, the fear go away or the tears stop falling.  It does, though, bring a peace that is more powerful and steadfast than all the other emotions whirling around inside of me. 

Today Lord, I pray, I beg You to increase my faith.

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