Monday, October 29, 2012

October 29

I don't know what stage of grief I am in, or what the order of moving on is, but I am learning there is nothing that I can do to prep myself for life.  The life I am living is nothing that I thought I would ever live again after Vivi was a part of our life.  So here I am again in this life that consists of Rod and I.  Although we are redefining our life as parents without a child, a new schedule without the hospital, the baseline is the same--it is just the two of us.

Someone asked me the other day what the hardest part of readjusting is.  That was my answer.  Today, however, I take that back and want the opportunity to give a new answer, the answer that i have been formulating since that question was asked.  The hardest part of readjusting is I just don't know.  I don't know how I am going to feel when I wake up.  I don't know what situations will be good or bad.  I don't know how to keep my heart safe.  Every moment is so drastically different than the one before. 

I went to the dentist today.  The secratery knows the whole story of Vivian...she had followed the blog.  when I called to make the appointment, the first words out of her mouth were, "I am so sorry."  The same with the hygentist.  When the doctor came in, he asked in a concerning tone, "How are you?  I have been following your story via the secreatary".  Assuming he knows, I honestly answer, "I have good days, and I have not so good days."  He continues to looks at my teeth, tells me I need to come in next week to refill a filling that has come out (ouch.) and proceeds to ask me, "so do you need to be careful around kids with runny noses and colds since it is getting colder?" Noticing that I am staring at him like he has 10 heads, he adds, "for the baby?" Oh.  he obviously doesn't know.  I have been trying to rehearse what to say when things like this happen, but like every other time, I am caught off guard and things like this come out, "Dr., Vivian died September 21."  In that second, his face goes from deer inthe headlights, to sympathy, to 'oh shit'. And I take this time to explain the story and begin the internal battle of tears, no tears, tears, no tears, until the tears always win.  And in that moment all I think of is the picture of my cousins' 2 babies, one born in september, one in october and thinking, "my baby should be in that picture!"  Thinking that there are pregnant people EVERYWHERE whose dreams of being a family will become realities and mine will always be dead.  That there are 3 month old babies everywhere I go...that they are always baby girls....that I will always be walking around and able to see reminders that my baby is dead.  That she is gone forever and I will never be able to hold her again. 

I want so badly to be seems like such the easier emotion to have.  I am somewhere stuck inbetween heavy heart and happiness because I know Vivi is happy.  I just feel schizophrenic and unable to consistantly be myself.  Just as I think I have it together, I walk into Sam's and sitting at the entry are 2 women on facetime or whatever with their iPhone.  I can see the beaming face of a new mom holding her new baby--with a little pink headband. Seriously?!?!?  And as the two women coo and oooo over how beautiful she is, I just want to say "my baby, my baby was the most beautiful and she should be in the cart right now, and you would see how beautiful she is!"  but this will never happen.

Perhaps what I am realizing is the hardest thing might not be that Vivi is dead. But perhaps, the hardest thing is that the dreams that have been building up and had been playing in my head are one  by one dying.  Perhaps the reason "I just don't know", is because I don't realize how big the dreams have close to being "real" the dreams had become.   


  1. I've randomly been following your blog and feel compelled to write today. Please know you will continue to be in my prayers. What you wrote was pure honesty and broke my heart to read your emotions. You are a beautifully strong faithful servant and an extremely positive Mommy! Remember, "when you lose someone you love, you gain an Angel you already know".

  2. God bless you and your husband.

    What you are feeling on some days is a big gray cloud hanging over your head. My wife and I also got upset at times when there was baby talk or another person just announced they were pregnant.

    You have every right to feel upset or angry at times. Remember that God never gives you more than you can handle. Also remember God only opens doors, he never closes them.

    Your daughter is an "open" memory. The door isn't closed, rather, the gates above have opened for her.

    You and your husband got Vivian to Heaven and she us now watching over you.

  3. Maria, the hardest days were the days after. there was so much love that i built out and still had left inside when the girls left me. I couldn't release it anywhere. And it was hard watching other mothers able to give their children their love.
    i don't know what you are feeling in these moments, exactly. no one ever will. but i have been through similar stages and I know that anger is for sure the easier way out.
    allow yourself to be angry and sad. God will present himself and comfort you. Don't feel like you have to "have it together". yoou don't.
    i am always here a phone call away if you need anything.
    lots and lots and lots of love and prayers are being sent your way from me.


  4. Maria,what I want to do is wrap you in my arms and just hug you. you say you want to get back to being you,this is you, at this time in your life. you are a jumble of emotions and your heart and arms ache for your baby girl..know that you are in our prayers and as All Saints Day approaches we thank you and Rod for our beautiful angel Vivi love you both

  5. Your grief will never leave you. The littlest. thing you will be reliving at Children's Hospital. Its been 24years since my son died. There isn't. a day I'm not back in Children's. All my children were premature.
    I went through. this three times. I made a promise to God if he granted me more children they be loved and never go without. You and Rod will do the same.

  6. I found your blog when a facebook friend posted it asking for Prayers when V was fighting hard. I have cried at every single blog post. Some for the sadness that your little girl was struggling and some for the awe of your faith and love of your daughter. I can't wrap my head or heart around what you can be feeling. I prayed for your daughter and for you and her husband and for the medical staff caring for her.

    I want you to know that your daughter's struggle has changed me for the better. I want you to know that you are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story to random stranger. God works in mysterious ways.

  7. I accept God. I know he is here. But I feel so ashamed because I don't want to believe in him for the wrong reasons... it is mothers like you and my own that strike my heart gold with purity. Belief. Absolute light, and love- that helps me carry on... I wish I was strong like you.