Monday, October 8, 2012

October 8

Oh today.  Oh today I ventured into Clifton to take Gracie to the Zoo.  Seems like a harmless adventure.  At least thats what I thought, until I started driving down streets that just weeks ago took me to the hospital to be with Vivi.  Sitting at a red light at the intersection of Jefferson and Vine, Grace simply says from the back seat, "Look, that's the crane you could see from your room at the hospital".  I already was working down a lump in my throat before this was said.  After the words were out, my tears all so quickly followed.  Sitting at this red light at the intersection of Jefferson and Vine, I couldn't keep in what was wanting to be out being in that area.  I wanted to go home...not to the apartment I live in, but to the hospital room that I knew when I walked in I would see Viv.  Where I would wait until Rod came home and the three of us will be together. 

My all too wise 9 year old sister consolingly offered at to my tears, "I bet you miss your friends. And Vivi.  It was your home".  How did she know that?  How was she able to verbalize my tears?  I will never know, but all I said was "Yep Gracie, you're absolutely right".

The rest of today, my heart has been heavy...but so empty. It's a weird phenomon I am living.

 Rod and I went to create a plaque for Viv's grave today.  It felt like the last step to "close" this chapter.  Not that we will ever stop loving her, talking about her, visiting her...but that there aren't any more "things" we have to do.  It was a longer trip than I expected...never knew it would be so hard.  How do you summarize all that you want to say, do and share on a 24X12 in block?  For Rod, it wasn't so difficult.  He just looked at me as I am thinking of all these tag lines, and says , "Victorious.  That sums it up."  Yes, I would have to agree, that sums Vivi up. Perhaps the vicotry isn't what we expected, but in a way better than we expected.  She showed the love, courage, strength and faith of a champion in her short 59 days. And the best part is, her victories have only begun...eternity is a concept we humanly can't grasp, but she already has a hold of.


  1. Maria... I hated those days after... :*(

    i am sitting here getting choked up just picturing what you felt yesterday. it's not easy. actually it's completely grueling the act of living without your baby in your arms. But seek consolation in what Vivi gave all those who know her story... a chance to see the face of God in her. That's what I did.
    When I held her at the hospital, i saw Heaven - just like i did with my girls. I didn't expect to get that emotional when i held her, but i did. On the way home, I was moved beyond words to pray for her and your family. It was so deep the feelings I had that day that she was all i could talk about!
    She reminded me of my purpose as a mother and a daughter of God. She reminded me to be selfless to God's will.
    A part of me will never be the same again because I held that beautiful saint in my arms. I am blessed because of her "yes".
    all my love... luci

  2. Victorious seems perfect. I'm picturing a sweet baby girl, running up to stairway to heaven Rocky style.

  3. You are a strong and wonderful woman! Although I have never met you your words move me every time I read your blog. We are sisters by heart! I will continue to pray for you and yours.
    Elizabeth McCarthy

  4. You and Rod are forever in my thoughts and prayers. Your writings, whether happy or sad, always inspire me. Never give up!

  5. I just wanted to share what our priest said sunday during his sermon. He was saying that "loving is to let go". He was telling stories about parents having to let go of their children when they go to kindergarten or college. It's hard to let them go but they have to. I thought about you and Rod; you both loved Vivian so much that you had to let her go, stop her suffering, and to be with our Lord. So much harder than letting them go to school for the first day. My prayers are always with you. My daughter who is 3 yrs.old still says when we say our prayers at night "we have to pray for baby Vivian." I hope you all are doing well. God bless!