Thursday, April 19, 2012

Amazed You Shall Be

Wednesday has been my Grace day.  Honestly, the best day of the week.  I love being with my little sister--I can't imagine what love I will have for Viv knowing how much I love Gracie.  Grace is 9, yep, a whopping 17 years younger than me and although I am not her mom, my maternal love and instincts are heightened during our time together.  I was so worried about how she would take the news about Rod and I having a baby.  Trust me, it has been a roller-coaster, but I am happy to say that it is her idea to look at baby clothes, (and although she wears only Cars t-shirts and sweatpants with a Curious George hat, she picks out the CUTEST little girl clothes) and she is now ok with being called 'Aunt Grace'.  Seems silly, but believe me, it is a feat :)  However, Wednesdays have become Doctor days which definitely tampers with my Grace time!  Luckily, yesterday we both had Doctor appointments, so our shortened schedule was understood.

I made a mistake at the doctor's yesterday; I read in the waiting room excerpts from a blog of a mom whose child was diagnosed with Trisomy 18.  You can read her blog to understand more what that is,, but basically it is a fatal chromosomal abnormality.  I have read articles about this before and usually the baby, if he or she survives birth, will normally go back to Heaven in his or her first few days of life.  Ok why this is a bad idea to do this at the doctor's office:  I am already an emotional basket-case, and I know I am at the doctor to talk about Viv and how I am feeling which only adds to emotion, and then reading about another family whose child isn't by the world's standards "perfect"....this equals emotional disaster.  What is even worse is that while I was waiting for the doctor to come into my room, I began thinking about this family even more.  At 25 weeks, their world was ROCKED.  Their faith was the stronghold that allowed them to keep going.  I completely admire this family and the "Yes" they have said for little Nora's life.  And it got me to thinking, I don't have it so bad.  Life is a gift that can never be taken for granted, but I know Viv will be born and she will be ok after surgery.  Sure the road will be bumpy for awhile, but HLHS is not a death sentence.  This story brought back to the surface the pit in my stomach I initially had when we found out about Viv.  People tell me how strong I am, and how great my faith is--no, this mother is strong.  This mother's faith is where I aspire to be.  We could have had so many other diagnoses for Vivian, but we haven't.  It is just not as bad as we can sometimes think life is.  So many people suffer in ways we can never imagine.  I think reading about this family put my life more in perspective, put Vivian's situation more in perspective.

So like I said, all these thoughts are happening before the doctor comes in. I am cool, calm and collected until we start discussing the hospital and the procedure briefly, and I feel myself getting choked up, and the mantra, "don't cry, don't cry, don't cry" is starting in my head.  It's like clockwork, I open my mouth and the floodgates are down, so through sobs I am telling the doctor, "I am not saying this to be naive, but I believe Vivian's heart is going to be a miracle.  We have so many people praying, and we are praying to Blesseds who want to become Saints, so like we aren't messing around here".  And I realized as I am sobbing to get those few sentences out, I am so detached when it comes to talking about what is going to happen when she is born, what is going to happen in the hospital, because I believe that things are changing inside of me.

My doctor is so calm, and he just looked at me and said, "It's ok to cry--you are allowed to cry.  I pray for my patients, especially ones in cases like yours.  It is always amazing to me how God answers those prayers".  Hmmm...and more amazed you shall be.

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