I can't believe that a month ago today my world was changed forever for the better. Vivian is the greatest gift, and I can't believe how I can love her more today than I did a month ago. It amazes me how time gives our heart the chance to open more fully and love more deeply. I am so blessed!
Along with the great joy that comes with celebrating my girl, there is also some sadness. We had high hopes of preparing to go home soon, but that dream has taken a different direction. It's hard because we all are feeling it, especially Vivi. She is completely over this reality she is living. We were up together all through the night because the poor thing wouldn't stop crying. I think her belly hurts, and she's hungry. The worst feeling is not being able to do anything. We got to a point where music wasn't helping, Mr. Lambie was pissing her off and rubbing her head was irritating. My heart aches being so helpless and just watching her be unhappy! We did finally break down and give her a dose of morphine to calm her down. I have to talk myself out of feeling like a failure because I have to rely on drugs to calm my baby down. A month into life on this Earth shouldn't be like this. My heart is an achy, breaky heart for her. It's days like today when the cross is so heavy I have to remember I am not in this alone and that it's not in vain that I am living this. God's glory is being shared with me everyday--talk about a 5 hour enery shot :)
Today's goal is to get through the day. Tomorrow morning we will resume feeding and once we get a good grasp on that we will begin the breathing trials again. One foot in front of the other....moment by moment....obstacle by obstacle....Viv can do this! The good news is her belly is a little less bloated than yesterday and the gas inside has slightly decreased! She has been tootin' a TON! I know Jesus has been laughing about all the "toots and poops" prayers he has been receiving-- don't stop praying for it!
I am going to be so bold to give you a resolution for the day in Vivi's honor--I've come to terms with the fact that she is being raised with so much love in this village, which is so humbling being her mom. If you have babies of any age--hug them extra tight today. If you can't hug them, call them, text them, email them--let them know you love them in a special way. Smile at the strangers you meet, take an extra minute to really listen to sometimes answer to "how are you today?" Share the love Viv is bringing to your heart in an extra special way as we celebrate her gracing our lives today.