Sunday, August 19, 2012

August 19

Rod and I got to sleep last night at home together...11 hours of uninterrupted sleep is THE BEST THING EVER.  Sleep is something I have always taken for granted...not so much the case anymore, and I probably get more sleep at the hospital than I will once we get home.  At that point, though, I won't care because we will be home :)

Vivi is holding steady.  We are having issues with her feeding...she is puking a lot, which is a common problem with heart babies.  Tomorrow her feeding tube will be pushed down a little further in hopes that more of her feeds stay down.  Poor thing--it is awful to watch her.  I can't imagine what she is going through. 

It is a week since the worst night of my life.  Tonight has been  a bit difficcult because Viv is having these fits that can't be calmed without meds to calm her.  The poor thing--she has gas backed up in her belly, she has a tube down her throat, and is stuck in bed.  She can't be a typical newborn who cries, gets some lovin', a few burp pats and calms down.  This is all normal, the nurses keep telling us, but it doesn't make it easier.  My "mommy-mones" aren't loving it so much.  The past two days my general attitude has been 'I am SO over this'.  And yet, here I am.

I feel selfish.  I want all of this over--I want to be home, I want to hold Viv whenever I want, I want  her to not have all these tubes in her--and it's not just because I want her to be able to be a newborm the way she is supposed to be, but because I want our lives to move on.  At the beginning, it seemed we were by-passing the roller coaster, and the past week it seems quite the opposite.  We are first in line for the ride.  I have a constant mantra ringing in my brain :"God is here...God knows". 

Tomorrow I can only hope for the grace to continue to keep pushing through, and the love to share with girl moment by moment. 


  1. Sweet Maria, you are NOT selfish to want to be home with your baby! You are a new mom who has been through more than most people endure in a lifetime! Of course you want to hold your angel and take her home and begin living. And you will. You, Rod, Vivian are a strong, faithful family. God will reward you two-fold! He takes care of the faithful!

  2. My daughter had her NG pushed to a NJ (one time it was a ND which is farther than a NG, but not as far as an NJ) when she was on a ventilator. It did help with the vomiting. Hope you and Vivi enjoy the field trip down to radiology. (A little tip-when you are gone ask Vivi's nurse to call housekeeping and since they can clean the floors a lot better when her crib isn't in the room.)