Sunday, August 19, 2012

August 19

Rod and I got to sleep last night at home together...11 hours of uninterrupted sleep is THE BEST THING EVER.  Sleep is something I have always taken for granted...not so much the case anymore, and I probably get more sleep at the hospital than I will once we get home.  At that point, though, I won't care because we will be home :)

Vivi is holding steady.  We are having issues with her feeding...she is puking a lot, which is a common problem with heart babies.  Tomorrow her feeding tube will be pushed down a little further in hopes that more of her feeds stay down.  Poor thing--it is awful to watch her.  I can't imagine what she is going through. 

It is a week since the worst night of my life.  Tonight has been  a bit difficcult because Viv is having these fits that can't be calmed without meds to calm her.  The poor thing--she has gas backed up in her belly, she has a tube down her throat, and is stuck in bed.  She can't be a typical newborn who cries, gets some lovin', a few burp pats and calms down.  This is all normal, the nurses keep telling us, but it doesn't make it easier.  My "mommy-mones" aren't loving it so much.  The past two days my general attitude has been 'I am SO over this'.  And yet, here I am.

I feel selfish.  I want all of this over--I want to be home, I want to hold Viv whenever I want, I want  her to not have all these tubes in her--and it's not just because I want her to be able to be a newborm the way she is supposed to be, but because I want our lives to move on.  At the beginning, it seemed we were by-passing the roller coaster, and the past week it seems quite the opposite.  We are first in line for the ride.  I have a constant mantra ringing in my brain :"God is here...God knows". 

Tomorrow I can only hope for the grace to continue to keep pushing through, and the love to share with girl moment by moment. 

2 comments:

  1. Sweet Maria, you are NOT selfish to want to be home with your baby! You are a new mom who has been through more than most people endure in a lifetime! Of course you want to hold your angel and take her home and begin living. And you will. You, Rod, Vivian are a strong, faithful family. God will reward you two-fold! He takes care of the faithful!

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  2. My daughter had her NG pushed to a NJ (one time it was a ND which is farther than a NG, but not as far as an NJ) when she was on a ventilator. It did help with the vomiting. Hope you and Vivi enjoy the field trip down to radiology. (A little tip-when you are gone ask Vivi's nurse to call housekeeping and since they can clean the floors a lot better when her crib isn't in the room.)

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